Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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