All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
