Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
