Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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