Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
