So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
