And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
