WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Randomize
