Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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