I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
tonight lets celebrate not being married
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
