i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
