Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
