wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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