onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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