wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
