The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
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