My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
