i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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