Umm I'm too high to move.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
