So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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