i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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