so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
