i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
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