So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
