She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
