Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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