During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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