if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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