Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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