just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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