i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
