matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
then he tried to convert me to islam
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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