She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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