you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
