I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
the condom got lost in my hair
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
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