you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
