My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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