Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
