hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
ttyl tear gas
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
