Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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