his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
