There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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