Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
