: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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