Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
