theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
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