Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
