So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
