You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
