how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
