My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
