Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
