drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
