Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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